The Adventures of Snape and Mr Sudsy
by Pirate-Girl1017
Summary: Not many things in this world get under the sallow skin of Severus Snape, but apparently demonically possessed rubber duckies do. Follow the utterly pointless and fun filled story of our favorite postions master and the duck who dedicate it's bath time loving life to driving completely him out of his greasy mind.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer****: **Neither of the two authors who haven taken it upon themselves to write this infantile piece of literature are not in anyway the Master J. K. Rowling. Therefore we cannot in anyway profit from our crazed fan-girl-ness. So please do not sue because in the end all you shall receive is a rather large headache. However Mr. Sudsy is owned by FireWitch1, I advise you to not attempt to take him from her…things will get messy.

**Author's Note****: **So…this is an odd story, no pun intended. Back in my internet RP-ing days my friends and I used to use our chat rooms for all sorts of imaginary shenanigans. What you are about to read is an example of one such occurrence and just to let it be known, neither I nor my friend (FireWitch1) were smoking anything at the time. Putting this into story form had always been an idea but we just never got around to it. However, I was recently challenged to a "who has the funnier fanfic" battle- and this is my weapon. So, ReadyFred-ReadyGeorge this one goes out to you, hope it lives up to your expectations, my friend. (Should the reader not know this author please head over to his page, there are some things well worth a read over there.) Now there is a fair amount of material left for more chapters, so if enough people like it I'll post more but to put it out there I have No Clue where this would go- it's just random as heck. Well that's about it, you've been warned.

It was either very late at night or very early in the morning that found Albus Dumbledore, winner of the First Order of Merlin, Head Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, on a very important, very secret, mission. This mission was so important in fact that none of his own staff knew anything about it, not even that bossy Minerva. Should anyone have actually been up at this unfathomable crazed hour they would have beheld the highly visible wizard tip-toeing about the pitched black halls to which he was a high contrast in his magenta and starburst patterned pajamas.

After succeeding in his oh so classified mission he closed to the door from his destination, his task complete, a snicker spreading on his heavily lined face. "Mission accomplished."

It is to be noted, that just before the expedition aforementioned took place there was another such outing going on to the very same room of this rather large castle where in all good reason no two things such as this should ever have coincided. The identity of this new perpetraitor shall be revealed in time…least to say it would be wise to be afraid in preparation.

When at last the morning came to some semblance of a humanly hour to awaken what shall, very lightly, be called the plot did then commence.

Severus Snape woke up in the most interesting position flat on his stomach with something fuzzy and yellow blurring his vision.

_Yellow...wait when did his room have yellow? _He squeaked, not that he ever rally squeaked, he was a dignified potion's master and so sat up in bed and looked at the thing. _What the hell is this?_

The yellow thing seemed to study him carefully and then it spoke, a note hiding under it's yellow arse.

"I'm Mr. Sudsy, I'm here to make your life hell. Welcome to my rubbery pit of doom and squeaky clean-ness!" the strange yellow thing laughed but not quite laughed. It was more of an odd chirp and seemed to exude a sort of evil laugh at the same time. It more resembled the combined sounds of a rubber bath toy being of the avian kind stepped on by a early morning riser who had not yet had the morning cup of medicinal caffeine and had only just noticed someone had dipped their hand into a bowl of warm water sometime during the night.

Severus however mearly chalked this whole encounter up as a hallucination caused by the atrocious food he had been forced to consume at Bellatrix's dinner party the previous evening. Really the woman had no clue which end the spoon to stir with but she just had to show her highly disturbing affection for the Dark Lord by forcing everyone to celebrate his damn birthday by force feeding them a purple, glue like substance she proudly called "lasanga." And so he ignored the still monologing yellow thing now identifiable as a duck and went on with his morning routine…ignoring the bright pink and red glittered thing beneath his door and eventually made his way to breakfast.

"Good morning everyone! Is it not a glorious spring day?" Dumbledore spoke ungodly happily for a Monday morning to his sleep deprived staff and half dead students. "I hope you all had a pleasant night's sleep?"

Silence.

"I would remind you that today is April 1st, so please be mindful of pranks and be careful not to instigate the giant squid…he's still a bit sore about last year. " An unholy gleam gleamed from behind his funky moony glasses as he surveyed the unsuspecting masses.

The Potions Master strode into the Great Hall doors slamming back on their hinges his robes billowing behind him, ever one to savor a dramatic entrance. His mind however was the polar opposite of his trademark cool and calm exterior. He was hallucinating, there was no other reason for it, for there was no way that oddly adorable thing had been swimming in his tub with him as though it had feet somewhere in it's flat bottom. Still though he took his spot in his high back seat, sitting down with a flourish and stared at his place setting.

There in his porridge was the yellow_ thing. _

He had locked it in his chambers, windows and all then replaced the wards and walked towards the hall. Yet there it sat, it's somehow overly large yet beady baby blue eyes staring up with a twinkle. Snape shook his head and grabbed his toast, it was all in his head. He took a sip of his tea and savored it on his tongue.

"I know you seeme."

He spat out his scalding hot beverage and was in response thunked on the back by Hagrid who was quickly waved off while, lest he also have to deal with a bruised spinal column later, he continued to choke. It Spoke _again_!

"I dare say, is there anything wrong, Severus? You look as though you've seen a ghost," Dumbledore asked as he smirked into his Earl Grey. "Are you sleeping enough, I must say to you that you're visibly more sallow then usual."

Snape glared down at his porridge and attempted to lift his tea cup with a shaking hand. "I'm quite fine Albus, just a little _tickle_ in my throat." Then he hissed under his breath to the _thing_, no _it, _actually there was no insulting enough noun to describe the tiny monstrosity. "I cannot see you and I cannot hear you so go away." He sipped his tea and ignored it's mindless chatter as it made figure eights in his breakfast. Yet he completely missed- or perhaps chose to miss- the look that was given to him by McGonagall that clearly said the potions fumes had finally gone to his brain.

"I know you hear me human. Look, to prove it to you I shall sing," It cleared it's throat and began a rendition of 'I'm a Little Teapot'. "I'm a little ducky short and yellow, You know you hear me my old fellow, When you go all insane and into a straight jacket, no one will believe you that I'm inattimate."

Snape had picked the _thing_ out of his porridge, proceeded to dunk _it_ in a glass of water (as to remove the remains of his maple and brown sugar oatmeal) while _it_ preceded to gurgle out a rendition of "Singing in the Rain." He then wrapped the thing in a napkin and stowed _It _safely and wholly tucked into a inner pocket in his robe. The _thing_ was still speaking about "world something, or other." But he didn't care to listen because he refused, no _could not _hear what _it _was saying as he was now quite done with the whole affair and was making his way back to the dank and dreary homeliness of his classroom.

"I will get my revenge for this! I will take over the world one classroom at a time. I will have complete and secured world domination. I will be squeaky and yellow! You will rue the day you did not do all that Mr. Sudsy asked of you! And I will make you insane!" The thing now known as Mr. Sudsy laughed that evil laugh and was deposited on Snape's desk in plain view, presumably to be watched carefully if in fact it could be admitted that it could actually be seen.

"Quiet, you," the now twitching Potions master hissed.

"Victory is Mine!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer****: **Pirate-Girl1017 and FireWitch1, those foolish fans who haven taken it upon themselves to write the following work of parody and silliness are not in anyway the Master J. K. Rowling. Therefore we cannot in anyway profit from our crazed fan-girl-ness. So please do not sue because in the end all you shall receive is a rather large headache. However Mr. Sudsy is owned by FireWitch1, I advise you to not attempt to take him from her…unless you like a slow death by means of squeaky clean-ness.

**Author's Note****: **Another day another crazed chapter in the world of Harry Potter fan parodies. Again this will not be overly long, just a short episode in the many adventures of our beloved teacher and his mortal enemy. Please enjoy and leave a contribution in the little box.

Deep within the bowels of Hogwarts School there were many secrets waiting to be discovered. Twisting corridors dripping with ancient cobwebs lead from tower to dungeon, leading to places only rats made habitable and even they sometimes would refuse. In a classroom long since forgotten by time one such secret was being discussed and guarded by those who would keep it to their graves.

"The first encounter has gone according to plan."

"And the one to deliver is blissfully unaware of our true intentions."

"Not to mention the experiment seems to be working perfectly."

"So all that is left is to wait and watch."

"Congratulations are to be given, brother mine."

"Indeed they are, dear sibling."

Diabolical laughter then ensued.

Meanwhile there was an Advanced Potions class being held in the slightly more hospitable dungeon at the opposite end of the castle. Now it is to be noted that not just any student can make it into said class, considering the prerequisites alone had been known to drive lesser students mad. Among these fortunate few not to be driven away by the men in the white coats after their O.W.L.s was one Erinistina McClintok. A bright, attentive student with an impeccable grade point average and a long list of impressive extracurricular activities. Long sleepless nights with her nose buried in the pages of textbooks (often only attained through large amounts of caffeinated liquids) and her wrists aching from all the extra feet of parchment she used for essays (this was highly discouraged by Madame Pomfery) had finally paid off. She now sat in the one class she strived so very hard for, the one that the mere thought of not attaining after O. had brought on more then one nightmare which left her covered in cold sweat and waking her roommates with her bloodcurdling screams.

And there, there at the front of the classroom sat the reason for her backbreaking, soul wrenching hard work. Sure, he was a little older then she was but age was after all only a number. Not very many even liked him, well they just could not see the truth, the pain, behind his scowl as she could. He only needed someone to help him, guide him out of his antisocial, rudely sarcastic ways and then all would finally see the goodness she was sure was only hiding beneath the surface. Of course this person could only be herself, this was an undisputable fact as only she had the emotional depth to understand such a deep, misunderstood individual.

"Turn to page 394 and begin reading through the chapter until you come to assignment at the end. I expect the resulting solution to be corked and on my desk by the end of the period. You may begin."

And she would, oh she would until she had memorized the whole book if she had to in order to turn in the most perfect first assignment he had ever seen. Slipping the bright red and pink glittered letter back into her saddle bag, it must have somehow been overlooked this morning, she began her assignment with all the vigor of a berserker rushing into battle. Nothing was too daunting if it meant the approval of her beloved, adored and brooding teacher. Although it soon proved hard for her to concentrate on her work, she kept hearing a strange, squeaky, voice every so often….it sounded familiar, chillingly familiar.

The Potions Master watched the class carefully having given his initial start of term talk and seen that the assignments were well on their way to completion, he turned on his heel - cloak swishing with practiced dramatics- back towards his desk. The _thing _was sitting on his desk in what it must have assumed was an innocent mannerand had somehow gained a little black eye patch….He could feel his eye twitch, looking around carefully to see if any attention was drawn to _it_ and was not sure whether to feel relieved or frightened that no one had yet to notice it.

These thoughts were interrupted by an irritatingly familiar and despised voice that sounded something like a fowl who had inhaled helium.

"Step one the evil laugh, step two loud vocalized plans for world domination, step three an evil look_…" It_ was reading from a little yellow book that was opened before it…never mind the yellow pest didn't have hands to turn the pages. The little book being titled, **'10 Steps to Being an Evil Mastermind and World Domination: For Dummies'**. Irony surely is plot as some say.

He did his best to ignore the sounds of it taking notes aloud, naming names, listing bath supplies and muggle fire arms ammunition. This could only go on for so long, he felt a sweat begin to form on his forehead as the minuets passed by and not one head raised to the squeaky voice plotted world domination. Turning around he sat down and pretended to grade first year papers. Was he truly going insane then? Or had it been the lasagna the night before? He could have been drugged, sure it would wound his pride beyond all repair to admit that some one had slipped a hallucinogenic substance under his nose and into his digestive system but that would be better than concluding that his own sub consciousness had created the rubbery demon before him.

"Oh my, my. What do we have here, a nerve filled student? What do you think she has done? Stolen ingredients from your private stash perhaps? Flinched some of the model potion for her own nefarious purposes?" the _thing _asked then went back to reading. "Step four, make people believe you are intelligent, use words that seem big, after all you are reading a 'For Dummies' book...sound advice."

"Nerve filled student..?" he mumbled, daring a chance glance at the tiny avian pirate and it's odd literature.

"That's what I said, Beethoven, might want to get those ears checked."

Snape stood over a desk of one of his young snakes, a short girl with wildly curly dark red hair, who happened to be mumbling to herself and tittering with nerves as her eyes darted from one corner of the room to another. "I presume that there is something you wish to tell me Miss McClintok, based on this incessant whispering. What do you find quite so nerve wracking?" Her face flushes darker than her hair from roots to chin, her mouth opens and closes rather like a feeding grouper fish.

"Oh...well you see Sir...it's...can I speak with you after class?" Many of the class laughed at her not so intelligent response, now her ears were changing color as well making her look very much like a red headed Oompa Loompa….or some other deeply colored being that was not in any way related to a guilty pleasure in the form of a muggle film. At least she looked suitable humiliated, maybe the next time a teacher called her out she would have the dignity to have a smart-alleck reply like a decent Slytherin.

The Potions Master lifted an eyebrow and answered, "After class it is then Ms. McClintok." He strode back towards his desk thinking that dealing with a nerve wreck of a student, especially a female one, was not what he needed to deal with right now. As he took his seat as gracefully as his own nerves could manage he eyed that _thing_ with a careful precision. _I know this thing is not real...I need only ride out this food poisoning and all will be well in the world once more._

It suddenly stopped reading from the book after finishing it's chapter in the basics of hostile takeover in the little yellow book for dunderheads and it was now adjusting itself in front of a music stand. For whatever reason it had chosen a booklet of Christmas sheet music….his least favorite day of the year….of course it would.

"Sevvy baby just slip the anarchist's cook book under the tree, for me! Sevvy baby! So hurry through the floo tonight!"

And now it was a composer…..the room echoed with the sound of his head hitting the desk.

Dumbledore was at this very moment sitting comfortably in his office looking through a crystal very like the ones used by kitschy carnival fortune tellers spying, as was his third most favored hobby at the moment. "Hmmmm...I don't remember putting in an evil dictator charm..." he stroked his beard in contemplation. _Mr. Sudsy couldn't possibly be learning on his own could he?_ The ingredients listed on the page of an ancient book with it's title of "**How to Make Your Own Possesed Bath Toy**" was on his desk to his left...oops...seems like he read it wrong….what an unfortunate mistake. "Well this could be interesting."


End file.
